Death and Taxes

I have passionately raised meat goats for the last four years. I have learned so much about these special creatures, their care, their benefits to farms, and their contributions to the dinner table. At one time, my herd was over 60 head. There were goats everywhere!

Goats in the field

Goats in the pen

Goats in the barn

Goats on the hay

Goats in the basement

Even in the car

And inside the house!

It hasn't been all cute and fluffy. It's been hard. Bone-chilling cold and puddles-from-my-sopping-clothes-wet hard. I've seen birth and death, sickness and health, profit and loss. And I have loved every moment. Farming may not be in my blood, but it is rooted deeply in my heart. Every goat has had a name, has taught me something about this journey, and has been a blessing in some way. Whether to provide laughter, comfort, meat, or milk, goats have fulfilled my dreams of being a rancher.

It is the most difficult thing I have had to do, to admit to myself that I am physically unable to be a true farmer at this point in my life. I have kicked and screamed and cried. But the reality is, I'm not doing myself any favors by torturing my body and my heart while I'm trying to focus on my health.

Since moving closer to town (but still in the woods), I have been able to cook for myself more often and keep my home more tidy. Sort of. I have been able to ride my horse and a friend's horse. Not often, but more so than I could have done when there were more goats and more farm chores. I've been able to spend time with dear friends who have been there for me through surgery and hospitalization and abandonment and the loss of everything I had worked so hard to attain.

Sophie Mae loves getting more one on one time

The puppies aren't complaining either

So, while I take a break from goat farming, I'm going to use those lessons I have learned from this experience to build a new dream, new goals, and new adventures. Nothing is certain in life except death and taxes. Letting go may be hard, but at least I'm still alive to experience it and make the most of it.

Intro to Life

You may think you know me, you may not. So, I will introduce myself.

I'm Gracie. There is not another on this earth that is like me. I love the Lord, I am quirky, I am fun loving, I am constantly seeking the truth. I am a hick - I code switch (see appalachian code switching), I raise meat goats, I take my dog just about everywhere I go in my pick up truck, I have no use for cities and bright lights, I love the peace and tranquility of the farm and the mountains, I love catching and hunting and raising my own food, and I am happy with my "hick" self. I have a son from a previous marriage who stays with his father at this point. I love animals, dogs especially. I love to help others when I am able.

Yes, I can speak and read and write and spell and I clean up purdy durn well. But it is quite uncomfortable for me to do a lot of things I used to. In addition to those things I just mentioned, I have severe psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis. These are autoimmune diseases for which there is no cure. I used to be able to take medications that messed up my immune system in order to live what others consider to be a "normal" life. I can no longer take them due to medical reasons to keep me in remission or slow the progression. The only things I can do now to soothe my skin and joints is to put my mind at ease with little stress, and focus on taking the best care of my body as I can.

Every day, I battle constant itchiness and burning that I liken to poison ivy. It is everywhere, no joke, every. Where. Except, unlike poison ivy that you can take steroids for and that clears up and goes away after a week or two, this has no cure, it just stays, and I am medically unable to take steroids. Not only does it stay, but it does what is called "flare" when I stress myself too much, or let outside influences attack my stress levels. Same goes for my joints. At my current age of 33, I have been battling the slow progression of this arthritis for 10 years. I had no idea when this started that I would be where I am today.

Today, I am unable physically to do a lot of things I love to do. I love horseback riding, and still have my wonderful quarter horse mare for the really really good days that I might still be able to ride. I love running, but a half mile walk puts me in such pain these days that I am dizzy and nauseous. I love writing, but just typing this blog makes my fingers swell and my wrists to feel as though there are knives in them. I love educating folks on things I have experience or training in, but due to the constant unending pain signals being sent to my brain, I have difficulty formulating a sentence out loud.

I also suffer from severe anxiety. I get panic attacks when confronted with certain stress triggers. These include, but are not limited to, prolonged travel, traffic, large crowds, and highly emotional situations like guilt and grief. These panic attacks have manifested in not only prolonged periods of chest pain and heart palpitations, but also in something called esophageal spasm. The pain from this can awaken me from a dead sleep, or cause me spontaneous vomiting, or prolonged vomiting, to the point where I cannot eat or drink for days at a time. It also causes grotesque and copious amounts of salivation.

So, when I come in to contact with something that stresses me to the point of a tightening in my throat, I eliminate it. There is no sense in attempting to deal with any situation that will cause me to lose precious sleep, hydration, or proper nutrition.

I have seen many quotes and heard many words uttered in my direction - suck it up, don't let it control you... I am sucking it up and have been for years. That is the exact reason why my body is attacking itself, because I've sucked it up for too long. I'm not letting it control me, I am deciding to control it by making necessary changes, but there are days I can do everything right and still not be able to lift my arms to wash my own hair. So, you can see where I think those types of comments are not constructive, even if they are meant lovingly.

I have started this blog to keep family and friends closer in my daily life, and maybe to help others understand this disease, prepare those who have been newly diagnosed, and attempt to dispel some assumptions about how life could or should be better for me. I am content and happy to be where I feel I am supposed to be, here, in the mountains of Tennessee.