River Run

Saturday was supposed to be productive. I managed to get some paperwork completed and get a shower. Then began unpacking my suitcase and tidying the bedroom a bit. Somewhere in the shuffle, I banged my severely bad right knee on something, just above the kneecap. I went on and thought nothing of it. By the time I got most of the room straightened, I could not block out the pain in my knee anymore. I looked down and there was a lump the size of an egg! Not a little store bought egg either, an XXL double yolk farm fresh egg! I had no choice but to elevate and ice it. There went my productivity... so I resigned to finishing a Nora Roberts novel I borrowed from a friend.

It took a while to get to sleep, as the pain in my knee as well as the rest of my body kept me fidgeting to find a comfortable position. Once I finally reached the point that I could fall asleep, I suppose I was a bit more fatigued than I thought from the festivities and travel to my sister's wedding. When some crazy dreams woke me up, it was 3 o'clock in the afternoon! (I normally cannot sleep past 8am, and that is sleeping in for me) The pain and swelling in my knee was tolerable, and my other normally screaming joints were only a dull murmur. Up and at 'em!

I headed over to the farm house my best bud/boyfriend are trying to remodel, did a little tidying, found a bathing suit in storage there, and waited on him to get home from work. He had a little project to get done for his belated Mother's Day gift - replace the flooring in her bathroom - and I helped get him started on that. I went to feed my goats, he was about halfway finished when I returned. Thinking I should take advantage of how well I felt, I enlisted mama's help in setting up a larger run for our dogs, Timmy and Rattler.

Timmy the Tooth, Rat Terrorist

Rattler "Snattle-Rap" the TN Mtn Hybrid

By the time I was through, I probably should have gone in and rested a little while, but I was still feeling pretty good. So, JT decided we should take his other baby, Brantley, to the river.

Brantley the Alaskan Husky

It was dark by the time we got to Lower Paint Creek, but still a beautiful drive through the Cherokee National Forest. We stopped and let Brantley wade, after carefully checking the stone stairway to the swimming hole for snakes. Our fun excursion was cut too short though, due to a change in barometric pressure from a weather front moving in. Why would the pressure drop cut us short? Every time it does, a piercing pain starts behind one or both of my eyes. If left untreated for more than an hour or two, it becomes what my doctor describes as cluster ocular migraines (see also ocular migraines). Once home, I got my medication on board, but it is still trying to break through, which is preventing much needed sleep. 

I don't tell you these things to invoke pity, I just know there are others out there who fight similar daily battles. For those of you in this war, I have some advice - take one day at a time, one hour even, and learn where you can push through without overexerting. There are going to be times that you overdo it, and you may need more rest than you previously would have needed, or more than other people need. This is ok! When you are dealing with chronic illness that attacks your own body, it is so important to try to prevent further damage for as long as you can, while still having some quality of life. 

In my case, things I need to try to prevent down the road are ankylosing spondylitis, uveitis, and dysautonomia... as well as others. Since I have not been to see any of my doctors recently, it is possible I may already have one or more secondary conditions undiagnosed. I just try to take my own advice, and do something that I enjoy and that gives me relaxation each day. If those are the only things I can accomplish, then sobeit. I hope this can help allay some of the guilt associated with the changes that chronic illness can impose upon us "spoonies."

Llamas and Goats and Puppies, Oh My!

This morning has been a good morning. I woke up feeling rested, and not so achy and stiff. My fingers and hands weren't too swollen either! Six thirty and the birds were singing, the sun was climbing, and I woke up with a smile.

I went to feed a client's llamas, a job which normally takes me two plus hours by myself. Today, it only took 45 minutes! I did get in the way of a spitting llama, which I laughed heartily at. She sprayed the back of my neck and head with chunks of sweet feed because her arch enemy was standing too near her feed bucket, and I just happened to be in between the two.

Then off to feed my precious goats. Tia the Pia is my miniature LaMancha, which is an American breed of dairy goat. She kidded a very nice meat goat back in March, and after weaning him a little early due to his high growth rate and premature reproductive drive, I have been milking her. It really has helped to regain some of the hand strength that I have lost due to the arthritis. I've made yogurt with her milk, but it isn't really my favorite until I can tweak the recipe and get the flavor just right. My favorite to make so far is ice cream. Plain vanilla ice cream, with only four ingredients, no preservatives, using farm fresh egg yolks and natural vanilla. Yes, there is some sugar added, but not much since goat's milk is slightly sweeter than cow's.

This is Tia as a baby

Tia now... you might be able to see why her nickname is Pia

So, I got all eleven goats fed and one milked. Now I'm taking a short break to rest my feet before I carry on the rest of my day. My plan is to take advantage of a somewhat lower pain day and get some laundry done, unpack my suitcase from a recent trip to see family, and clean out my car. Just these simple tasks may cause severe pain in most of my joints, so I have to take it slow and concentrate on one thing at a time. If I get it all done, that's awesome! If not, it can wait until tomorrow. No pressure, no guilt.

I'll introduce the puppies in my life later, maybe tomorrow. They keep me laughing with their antics and help me to stay calm when I am feeling stressed.

Intro to Life

You may think you know me, you may not. So, I will introduce myself.

I'm Gracie. There is not another on this earth that is like me. I love the Lord, I am quirky, I am fun loving, I am constantly seeking the truth. I am a hick - I code switch (see appalachian code switching), I raise meat goats, I take my dog just about everywhere I go in my pick up truck, I have no use for cities and bright lights, I love the peace and tranquility of the farm and the mountains, I love catching and hunting and raising my own food, and I am happy with my "hick" self. I have a son from a previous marriage who stays with his father at this point. I love animals, dogs especially. I love to help others when I am able.

Yes, I can speak and read and write and spell and I clean up purdy durn well. But it is quite uncomfortable for me to do a lot of things I used to. In addition to those things I just mentioned, I have severe psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis. These are autoimmune diseases for which there is no cure. I used to be able to take medications that messed up my immune system in order to live what others consider to be a "normal" life. I can no longer take them due to medical reasons to keep me in remission or slow the progression. The only things I can do now to soothe my skin and joints is to put my mind at ease with little stress, and focus on taking the best care of my body as I can.

Every day, I battle constant itchiness and burning that I liken to poison ivy. It is everywhere, no joke, every. Where. Except, unlike poison ivy that you can take steroids for and that clears up and goes away after a week or two, this has no cure, it just stays, and I am medically unable to take steroids. Not only does it stay, but it does what is called "flare" when I stress myself too much, or let outside influences attack my stress levels. Same goes for my joints. At my current age of 33, I have been battling the slow progression of this arthritis for 10 years. I had no idea when this started that I would be where I am today.

Today, I am unable physically to do a lot of things I love to do. I love horseback riding, and still have my wonderful quarter horse mare for the really really good days that I might still be able to ride. I love running, but a half mile walk puts me in such pain these days that I am dizzy and nauseous. I love writing, but just typing this blog makes my fingers swell and my wrists to feel as though there are knives in them. I love educating folks on things I have experience or training in, but due to the constant unending pain signals being sent to my brain, I have difficulty formulating a sentence out loud.

I also suffer from severe anxiety. I get panic attacks when confronted with certain stress triggers. These include, but are not limited to, prolonged travel, traffic, large crowds, and highly emotional situations like guilt and grief. These panic attacks have manifested in not only prolonged periods of chest pain and heart palpitations, but also in something called esophageal spasm. The pain from this can awaken me from a dead sleep, or cause me spontaneous vomiting, or prolonged vomiting, to the point where I cannot eat or drink for days at a time. It also causes grotesque and copious amounts of salivation.

So, when I come in to contact with something that stresses me to the point of a tightening in my throat, I eliminate it. There is no sense in attempting to deal with any situation that will cause me to lose precious sleep, hydration, or proper nutrition.

I have seen many quotes and heard many words uttered in my direction - suck it up, don't let it control you... I am sucking it up and have been for years. That is the exact reason why my body is attacking itself, because I've sucked it up for too long. I'm not letting it control me, I am deciding to control it by making necessary changes, but there are days I can do everything right and still not be able to lift my arms to wash my own hair. So, you can see where I think those types of comments are not constructive, even if they are meant lovingly.

I have started this blog to keep family and friends closer in my daily life, and maybe to help others understand this disease, prepare those who have been newly diagnosed, and attempt to dispel some assumptions about how life could or should be better for me. I am content and happy to be where I feel I am supposed to be, here, in the mountains of Tennessee.