Dear Dad,
Thank you for accepting my chronic illness with strength and love. Thank you for showing me how to keep that little funny quirky bit of me that you put there, even though there are days it is so hard to smile through the pain. Thank you for the time you came hundreds of miles to see my dream come true, even if you weren't feeling well that day. Thank you for showing me so many life lessons that made me the woman I am today. And thank you for marrying my stepmom. She's really a real mom by choice. It has been through your relationship with her that I have been able to see how I desire my own relationship to be.
Through your own chronic pain, you have shown me the importance of a simple, peaceful, and mindful life. Not so many children are lucky enough to have that. I know, there was a time that I didn't understand. A time that I was angry or resentful because I thought you should be able to do more. I see now that you probably were too. And I love you more because through so many emotional tolls that chronic illness has taken upon me, I do not have to feel the emotional pain that some others do when their family just can not grasp the ilks of chronic illness. I've not told you enough, thank you.
To My Dear Beloved,
Thank you as well for accepting my chronic illness with strength and love. Thank you for reminding me daily to lighten my load emotionally and physically. Thank you for stepping into a tempest and soothing it with daily laughter and quiet sentiment. Thank you for sitting beside my bed in the hospital so many times with that worried look you tried to hide. Thank you for the countless times you have made sure I was completely comfortable, with not another unspoken request.
Thank you for being ready to commit to a lifetime of chronic illness - doctors visits and late night ERs and reading through medication side effects and discussing potential impacts. A lifetime of plans changing at the last minute, of social events missed, of advocating for me and with me.
Thank you for encouraging me to be the real me, for accepting my flaws and my disease without imposing guilt, and pushing me to strive for ways to overcome or circumvent my weaknesses.
You are a rare gem in this world. You have shown me that I do not need to be perfect to be loved. That my illness does not make me less desirable. That my illness doesn't have to limit my dreams. That it's ok to let go of some things in order to make a simpler, yet fuller, life. And that even though I am still fully capable of handling life on my own, I don't have to.
I try to tell you this sometimes, and I never can quite find the words. When I say thank you and you think you've not done anything deserving of gratitude, it is all of the above.
Friday, March 25, 2016
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Alien Invaders!
The National Psoriasis Foundation has launched this nifty tool for patients. They call it "Citizen Pscientist," and it is a pretty fun website if you like learning. Most of us PsO (psoriasis) and PsA (psoriatic arthritis) patients are sort of forced to learn anyway, since we get lots of "have you tried this" and "this cured my grandmother." Might as well have a little fun with it, right?
So, I checked out this cool little link on the site called "Discover." Boy oh boy, what I could do with that data! Even though it is a bit simplified for what I was curious about, I was able to get the basic numbers I wanted to crunch.
Out of the existing members of this patient community, over 48% suffer from both PsO and PsA. The current number for this percentage is just over 1000 patients. Only 78% of these combination patients have answered the question, "Is your activity limited by your disease(s)?"
Judging by the majority's answer, I will estimate that 85% of combination PsO and PsA patients have to deal with their daily activities being limited due to the symptoms of their disease. That is... A LOT.
If you do not understand, I can try to explain it. Here is what my typical day was, while I was on medical treatment, and in remission.
6:00 am - Get out of bed, run down stairs, switch laundry
6:05 am - Run up two flights of stairs, open front door for dogs, get in shower
6:20 am - Brush hair, get dressed, apply small dab of makeup
6:35 am - Let dogs in, run down two flights of stairs, put dogs in kennels, run up one flight of stairs
6:40 am - Pour a bowl of cereal, eat, grab a frozen lunch out of freezer
6:55 am - Leave house and drive to work
7:15 am - Sit in traffic 20 miles from home cussing at idiot drivers
7:55 am - Arrive at work 35 miles from home
8:00 am - Begin repetitively answering phone with chipper friendly attitude
10:00 am - Collect paperwork, make multiple trips to car with supplies and/or recycling waste
10:30 am - Make 14 mile round trip journey through city for errands, multiple stops and getting in/out of vehicle
11:30 am - Return to office and repetitive phone calls while checking clients in and out
1:00 pm - Break for lunch, microwave my meal, walk/jog 2 miles, stretch
2:00 pm - Return to work, cue phones and revolving door
6:00 pm - Close office, cash out drawer, tidy workspace, file loose paperwork, prepare tomorrow's paperwork, jot down tasks on agenda
6:30 pm - Begin journey home
7:15 pm - Arrive home, let dogs out
7:20 pm - Throw saddle, pad, and bridle in car (45lbs), drive to farm
7:35 pm - Arrive at farm, whistle for horse
7:40 pm - Go on a 2 mile hike to find horse standing in creek eating grass from the banks
8:00 pm - Tie horse to trailer to brush and "tack up" (put on saddle pad, saddle, tighten girth, apply fly spray, take halter off, put bridle on)
8:15 pm - Mount up and go for a leisurely ride
9:00 pm - Return to trailer, remove tack, brush horse and hose down, return tack to car
9:15 pm - Return horse to field and drive home
9:25 pm - Eat supper
10:00 pm - Relax before bed
10:45 pm - Prep lunch and outfit for following day, let dogs out
11:00 pm - Go to bed
Got all that? Now, I will explain daily activities after having major lung surgery, being forced to go off of PsO/PsA treatments that were keeping me in remission, and having a major "flare" (a period of time generally more than 2-3 days, lasting up to months, years, or an entire lifetime, in which the immune system is in a constant state of inflammation, causing debilitating pain in joints AND soft tissues AND organs AND/OR eyes, confusion, severe fatigue, muscle spasms, muscle weakness, tremors, neuropathy, fevers, chills, migraines, and much much more).
3:00 am - wake up from stabbing hip pain, reposition
3:30 am - wake up from burning shoulder pain, struggle with pillows to reposition
5:00 am - wake up from searing knee pain and give up on the sleep thing for right now
5:15 am - continue stretching each individual muscle and joint that I can in order to be able to simply lift my own weight
5:45 am - roll, literally, out of bed and onto feet, continuing to stretch
6:00 am - stand up (there may be a slight stumble into the wall here, there may not be, but be ready for it)
6:05 am - put shoes on, walk dogs
6:15 am - shuffle, literally, around house because with every step comes excruciating pain shooting up heels, vibrating through hips, and concentrating at knees
6:20 am - stand briefly at cabinets looking for breakfast options (be ready for knives to dig in to every joint from my shoulder to my fingertips if I reach too quickly for a item), ask myself, "If I cook, will I be able to take the trash out and clean the dishes later?"
6:30 am - pick whatever will keep me from having to stand in front of the stove/microwave/oven for too long, shuffle back and forth from kitchen to dining area with one item at a time (so as not to drop anything), placing food and drink on table
6:45 am - hesitantly sit, bracing myself for sudden joint pain or dislocation or muscle spasms
6:50 am - eat and drink
7:00 am - sit at table staring at phone in order to take my mind off the pain from sitting down
7:30 am - slowly push off chair and table in order to stand, shuffle back and forth with bowl and glass to kitchen, one item at a time, to avoid any sudden weakness or tremors in hands which would cause a mess to attempt to clean up
7:45 am - Shuffle to bathroom for personal hygeine, gag on multiple vitamins and supplements, wonder how much good they are really doing
8:00 am - Slowly and carefully enter shower, attempt to wash hair with burning stabbing pains shooting through neck, back, shoulders, spine, hips, knees, feet
8:15 am - Reach for soap and miss because I suddenly got dizzy and light headed, sit down in tub with shower running to avoid fall
8:30 am - Crawl out of tub, slowly push off tub side to stand, slowly reach for towel in case another dizzy spell comes on
8:45 am - Ok, now I'm dry, attempt to towel dry hair
9:00 am - Begin application of over the counter skin salves to 90% of my body
9:30 am - Ask for assistance in impossible to reach places
9:40 am - Apply lotions with natural ingredients and essential oils
9:55 am - Shuffle to dresser or closet for clothing, being careful not to bend or reach or grab too fast
10:15 am - Ask for assistance with clothing
10:30 am - Take dogs for walk
11:00 am - Realize that I'm starving, shuffle around kitchen again for food...
So, I'm hoping you can sort of see the differences here. This last schedule of events is not necessarily every day, but it is a lot of days. Sometimes, I will actually get a full night of sleep and not wake up over and over from pain or migraine or fever. The days following a full night's uninterrupted sleep (10pm-7/8am) are generally pretty good. Those days, I don't need help to get my ointments on, or help to get dressed. Those days I don't usually have too many dizzy spells or sudden joint malfunction. Those days I can go grocery shopping AND unload the groceries by myself. Then I have to lie down, because the ever present pain starts pushing through the fence I try to keep it behind, and I will start having the dizzy spells or muscle spasms or sudden severe weakness or entire body trembling.
And obviously, my answer to the original question, is my activity affected by my disease, is yes. I don't WANT it to be. I try not to LET it be. Every. Day. I smile through the pain. I act chipper on the phone. You see little remnants of who I was before. When I was in remission. When my immune system wasn't attacking my body. Yes, I was "myself," the former version, when my doctors had options on what medications to control my immune system with. When they ran out of options, it began the journey to the "new" me. It began the cascade of immune symptoms that spiraled out of control and took over my body like alien invaders. Invaders that do not have Will Smith to get them back in line and blow them all up. Because the invaders are a part of me, there is no plan A, B, or C. There is no hero to save the day and the rest of my existence. It is possible that a combination of A+F+Z will force the invaders out, but it will take time and patience to try the unending combinations of natural healing methods, since my invaders are different than every other PsO+PsA patient's invaders and respond differently.
So, you make friends with the invaders. You have no choice but to keep them rested and fed and in a good mood. Your entire existence and strength depends on it. If you keep them happy, they will allow your body to do something that keeps you happy. Like, maybe help a stranger get her new farm ready for her horses. Maybe even ride your own horse. Spend time teaching your dog new tricks or reinforcing old ones. Type a blog to try to help others see that you are the very same person on the inside that they knew, you just have to react to every little detail a little differently, a little more slowly, with a lot more thought and physical effort.
Yes, my disease has limited my activity. It has changed my abilities. Sometimes, the invaders take over and change my emotional state. But I'll keep trying to make peace with them (myself), bodily and emotionally. I'll keep hoping for a cure, or maybe just another option for my doctors that won't take as long as me trying to figure out combinations of natural approaches that minimally help. Tomorrow, there may be light. Gotta keep fighting. Stay strong. Live in the moments of beauty and love and kindness. It's a scary world, inside me.
So, I checked out this cool little link on the site called "Discover." Boy oh boy, what I could do with that data! Even though it is a bit simplified for what I was curious about, I was able to get the basic numbers I wanted to crunch.
Out of the existing members of this patient community, over 48% suffer from both PsO and PsA. The current number for this percentage is just over 1000 patients. Only 78% of these combination patients have answered the question, "Is your activity limited by your disease(s)?"
Judging by the majority's answer, I will estimate that 85% of combination PsO and PsA patients have to deal with their daily activities being limited due to the symptoms of their disease. That is... A LOT.
If you do not understand, I can try to explain it. Here is what my typical day was, while I was on medical treatment, and in remission.
6:00 am - Get out of bed, run down stairs, switch laundry
6:05 am - Run up two flights of stairs, open front door for dogs, get in shower
6:20 am - Brush hair, get dressed, apply small dab of makeup
6:35 am - Let dogs in, run down two flights of stairs, put dogs in kennels, run up one flight of stairs
6:40 am - Pour a bowl of cereal, eat, grab a frozen lunch out of freezer
6:55 am - Leave house and drive to work
7:15 am - Sit in traffic 20 miles from home cussing at idiot drivers
7:55 am - Arrive at work 35 miles from home
8:00 am - Begin repetitively answering phone with chipper friendly attitude
10:00 am - Collect paperwork, make multiple trips to car with supplies and/or recycling waste
10:30 am - Make 14 mile round trip journey through city for errands, multiple stops and getting in/out of vehicle
11:30 am - Return to office and repetitive phone calls while checking clients in and out
1:00 pm - Break for lunch, microwave my meal, walk/jog 2 miles, stretch
2:00 pm - Return to work, cue phones and revolving door
6:00 pm - Close office, cash out drawer, tidy workspace, file loose paperwork, prepare tomorrow's paperwork, jot down tasks on agenda
6:30 pm - Begin journey home
7:15 pm - Arrive home, let dogs out
7:20 pm - Throw saddle, pad, and bridle in car (45lbs), drive to farm
7:35 pm - Arrive at farm, whistle for horse
7:40 pm - Go on a 2 mile hike to find horse standing in creek eating grass from the banks
8:00 pm - Tie horse to trailer to brush and "tack up" (put on saddle pad, saddle, tighten girth, apply fly spray, take halter off, put bridle on)
8:15 pm - Mount up and go for a leisurely ride
9:00 pm - Return to trailer, remove tack, brush horse and hose down, return tack to car
9:15 pm - Return horse to field and drive home
9:25 pm - Eat supper
10:00 pm - Relax before bed
10:45 pm - Prep lunch and outfit for following day, let dogs out
11:00 pm - Go to bed
Got all that? Now, I will explain daily activities after having major lung surgery, being forced to go off of PsO/PsA treatments that were keeping me in remission, and having a major "flare" (a period of time generally more than 2-3 days, lasting up to months, years, or an entire lifetime, in which the immune system is in a constant state of inflammation, causing debilitating pain in joints AND soft tissues AND organs AND/OR eyes, confusion, severe fatigue, muscle spasms, muscle weakness, tremors, neuropathy, fevers, chills, migraines, and much much more).
3:00 am - wake up from stabbing hip pain, reposition
3:30 am - wake up from burning shoulder pain, struggle with pillows to reposition
5:00 am - wake up from searing knee pain and give up on the sleep thing for right now
5:15 am - continue stretching each individual muscle and joint that I can in order to be able to simply lift my own weight
5:45 am - roll, literally, out of bed and onto feet, continuing to stretch
6:00 am - stand up (there may be a slight stumble into the wall here, there may not be, but be ready for it)
6:05 am - put shoes on, walk dogs
6:15 am - shuffle, literally, around house because with every step comes excruciating pain shooting up heels, vibrating through hips, and concentrating at knees
6:20 am - stand briefly at cabinets looking for breakfast options (be ready for knives to dig in to every joint from my shoulder to my fingertips if I reach too quickly for a item), ask myself, "If I cook, will I be able to take the trash out and clean the dishes later?"
6:30 am - pick whatever will keep me from having to stand in front of the stove/microwave/oven for too long, shuffle back and forth from kitchen to dining area with one item at a time (so as not to drop anything), placing food and drink on table
6:45 am - hesitantly sit, bracing myself for sudden joint pain or dislocation or muscle spasms
6:50 am - eat and drink
7:00 am - sit at table staring at phone in order to take my mind off the pain from sitting down
7:30 am - slowly push off chair and table in order to stand, shuffle back and forth with bowl and glass to kitchen, one item at a time, to avoid any sudden weakness or tremors in hands which would cause a mess to attempt to clean up
7:45 am - Shuffle to bathroom for personal hygeine, gag on multiple vitamins and supplements, wonder how much good they are really doing
8:00 am - Slowly and carefully enter shower, attempt to wash hair with burning stabbing pains shooting through neck, back, shoulders, spine, hips, knees, feet
8:15 am - Reach for soap and miss because I suddenly got dizzy and light headed, sit down in tub with shower running to avoid fall
8:30 am - Crawl out of tub, slowly push off tub side to stand, slowly reach for towel in case another dizzy spell comes on
8:45 am - Ok, now I'm dry, attempt to towel dry hair
9:00 am - Begin application of over the counter skin salves to 90% of my body
9:30 am - Ask for assistance in impossible to reach places
9:40 am - Apply lotions with natural ingredients and essential oils
9:55 am - Shuffle to dresser or closet for clothing, being careful not to bend or reach or grab too fast
10:15 am - Ask for assistance with clothing
10:30 am - Take dogs for walk
11:00 am - Realize that I'm starving, shuffle around kitchen again for food...
So, I'm hoping you can sort of see the differences here. This last schedule of events is not necessarily every day, but it is a lot of days. Sometimes, I will actually get a full night of sleep and not wake up over and over from pain or migraine or fever. The days following a full night's uninterrupted sleep (10pm-7/8am) are generally pretty good. Those days, I don't need help to get my ointments on, or help to get dressed. Those days I don't usually have too many dizzy spells or sudden joint malfunction. Those days I can go grocery shopping AND unload the groceries by myself. Then I have to lie down, because the ever present pain starts pushing through the fence I try to keep it behind, and I will start having the dizzy spells or muscle spasms or sudden severe weakness or entire body trembling.
And obviously, my answer to the original question, is my activity affected by my disease, is yes. I don't WANT it to be. I try not to LET it be. Every. Day. I smile through the pain. I act chipper on the phone. You see little remnants of who I was before. When I was in remission. When my immune system wasn't attacking my body. Yes, I was "myself," the former version, when my doctors had options on what medications to control my immune system with. When they ran out of options, it began the journey to the "new" me. It began the cascade of immune symptoms that spiraled out of control and took over my body like alien invaders. Invaders that do not have Will Smith to get them back in line and blow them all up. Because the invaders are a part of me, there is no plan A, B, or C. There is no hero to save the day and the rest of my existence. It is possible that a combination of A+F+Z will force the invaders out, but it will take time and patience to try the unending combinations of natural healing methods, since my invaders are different than every other PsO+PsA patient's invaders and respond differently.
So, you make friends with the invaders. You have no choice but to keep them rested and fed and in a good mood. Your entire existence and strength depends on it. If you keep them happy, they will allow your body to do something that keeps you happy. Like, maybe help a stranger get her new farm ready for her horses. Maybe even ride your own horse. Spend time teaching your dog new tricks or reinforcing old ones. Type a blog to try to help others see that you are the very same person on the inside that they knew, you just have to react to every little detail a little differently, a little more slowly, with a lot more thought and physical effort.
Yes, my disease has limited my activity. It has changed my abilities. Sometimes, the invaders take over and change my emotional state. But I'll keep trying to make peace with them (myself), bodily and emotionally. I'll keep hoping for a cure, or maybe just another option for my doctors that won't take as long as me trying to figure out combinations of natural approaches that minimally help. Tomorrow, there may be light. Gotta keep fighting. Stay strong. Live in the moments of beauty and love and kindness. It's a scary world, inside me.
Sunday, November 15, 2015
My Roar
"This morning was cold and wet, but despite my clicking, swollen knees, feet, and hands, it got off to a good start. Dogs out, check. Breakfast made, check. Get dressed, check.
The horses were super happy I showed up, and so was I! The sun was shining through clear skies just a few miles from home! Check the water trough, give a handful of grain with some locally mixed mineral supplement (if you're in NE TN, contact Kindred Spirit Whole Horse Care for more info on this GREAT product), and check fence line for any downed wire."
That was the other day. It was a good day, an above average day for me. Today is my regular type day... I have gotten plenty of rest. I have hydrated regularly, above average. I have eaten three square meals. I have stretched to the best of my limited range of motion capabilities. I have attempted to take the dogs on a brisk walk. This activity, which can either invigorate me or cause debilitating pain, has today brought on uncontrollable shaking in my legs, arms, and hands.
As I force myself to type this, my usual 70 wpm is reduced almost to hunt and peck. I look like a Parkinson's patient, an 80 year old lady trying to write out a check in squiggly cursive.
I have taken my daily medications. I have taken my regular vitamins and supplements. I have managed to keep an esophageal spasm attack at bay. Despite an oncoming anxiety attack two nights ago, I was able to get my mind off of upcoming stress with the assistance of one hugely supportive and loving partner.
So, why the shaking? Why the inability to overcome it? If you think I haven't tried hard enough, or that I just don't have the mental strength to put mind over matter, or that I'm imagining things... I am here to tell you - YOU ARE WRONG. If you think it might be time for me to give up and just live in a chair - you're wrong too.
I AM strong. I am strong enough to wake up each day with optimism and a plan. I am strong enough to know my limits, although they may be different every day. I am strong enough to say I do not need that kind of negativity in my life. I am strong enough to keep dreaming despite an unmanaged and incurable autoimmune disease that does not "just" affect my skin or joints. I am strong enough to fight my body when it decides to attack itself, or give in and rest when I know I should. I am strong enough to keep trying to at least do what I love, since most days I am unable to keep up with most of other's opinions of life's necessities. I am strong enough to love others in spite of a complete lack of understanding in how I can be "reduced" to the person I have become.
I think that this entire experience has made me a better person. It has given me insight to a whole host of previously close-minded thoughts. It has shaken me to my core and brought my strengths and weaknesses exploding to the surface of my reality. It has given me confidence to bare my skin, and my soul, to others. It has made me ever so grateful for all the riches of life I have. It has opened my eyes to the meaning of unconditional love.
As I look back on my life, I can say I have done great things. I have traveled down miles of trails on horseback while enjoying the beauty in this world and laughing with amazing friends and family. I have rescued countless animals. I have raised a wonderful son. I have been successful in all that I have done. And no, I do not measure success in bank accounts or extravagant homes or brand new cars or land holdings. I measure it in love, in joyful memories, in honesty and humility. What others may call a failure in my life, I call a lesson.
If I have learned anything from these so-called failures, it has been a success. And if you scoff and think to yourself, ha, what a crock - I urge you to re-examine your own life and what you hold important. Any day, you could be told that you will never heal, and life as you know it could be gone, forever, not temporarily on hold, but FOR. EVER.
I hope and pray that day never comes, but if it does or if it already has, my wish is that you draw strength from knowing you are not alone. You are still valuable as a human. You are still worthy of love. You can still move mountains. You are strong, to face every unknown day, hour, minute with courage and faith that others may never know. It doesn't matter what the rest of the world tells you. You only have one life, live it, love it, make the best of your inabilities, disabilities, and capabilities. Your joy does matter, it matters to you, and you are important. You never know whose life you will touch by being strong enough to say - I AM strong, I AM doing my best, and I AM successful on my OWN terms.
The horses were super happy I showed up, and so was I! The sun was shining through clear skies just a few miles from home! Check the water trough, give a handful of grain with some locally mixed mineral supplement (if you're in NE TN, contact Kindred Spirit Whole Horse Care for more info on this GREAT product), and check fence line for any downed wire."
That was the other day. It was a good day, an above average day for me. Today is my regular type day... I have gotten plenty of rest. I have hydrated regularly, above average. I have eaten three square meals. I have stretched to the best of my limited range of motion capabilities. I have attempted to take the dogs on a brisk walk. This activity, which can either invigorate me or cause debilitating pain, has today brought on uncontrollable shaking in my legs, arms, and hands.
As I force myself to type this, my usual 70 wpm is reduced almost to hunt and peck. I look like a Parkinson's patient, an 80 year old lady trying to write out a check in squiggly cursive.
I have taken my daily medications. I have taken my regular vitamins and supplements. I have managed to keep an esophageal spasm attack at bay. Despite an oncoming anxiety attack two nights ago, I was able to get my mind off of upcoming stress with the assistance of one hugely supportive and loving partner.
So, why the shaking? Why the inability to overcome it? If you think I haven't tried hard enough, or that I just don't have the mental strength to put mind over matter, or that I'm imagining things... I am here to tell you - YOU ARE WRONG. If you think it might be time for me to give up and just live in a chair - you're wrong too.
I AM strong. I am strong enough to wake up each day with optimism and a plan. I am strong enough to know my limits, although they may be different every day. I am strong enough to say I do not need that kind of negativity in my life. I am strong enough to keep dreaming despite an unmanaged and incurable autoimmune disease that does not "just" affect my skin or joints. I am strong enough to fight my body when it decides to attack itself, or give in and rest when I know I should. I am strong enough to keep trying to at least do what I love, since most days I am unable to keep up with most of other's opinions of life's necessities. I am strong enough to love others in spite of a complete lack of understanding in how I can be "reduced" to the person I have become.
I think that this entire experience has made me a better person. It has given me insight to a whole host of previously close-minded thoughts. It has shaken me to my core and brought my strengths and weaknesses exploding to the surface of my reality. It has given me confidence to bare my skin, and my soul, to others. It has made me ever so grateful for all the riches of life I have. It has opened my eyes to the meaning of unconditional love.
As I look back on my life, I can say I have done great things. I have traveled down miles of trails on horseback while enjoying the beauty in this world and laughing with amazing friends and family. I have rescued countless animals. I have raised a wonderful son. I have been successful in all that I have done. And no, I do not measure success in bank accounts or extravagant homes or brand new cars or land holdings. I measure it in love, in joyful memories, in honesty and humility. What others may call a failure in my life, I call a lesson.
If I have learned anything from these so-called failures, it has been a success. And if you scoff and think to yourself, ha, what a crock - I urge you to re-examine your own life and what you hold important. Any day, you could be told that you will never heal, and life as you know it could be gone, forever, not temporarily on hold, but FOR. EVER.
I hope and pray that day never comes, but if it does or if it already has, my wish is that you draw strength from knowing you are not alone. You are still valuable as a human. You are still worthy of love. You can still move mountains. You are strong, to face every unknown day, hour, minute with courage and faith that others may never know. It doesn't matter what the rest of the world tells you. You only have one life, live it, love it, make the best of your inabilities, disabilities, and capabilities. Your joy does matter, it matters to you, and you are important. You never know whose life you will touch by being strong enough to say - I AM strong, I AM doing my best, and I AM successful on my OWN terms.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Death and Taxes
I have passionately raised meat goats for the last four years. I have learned so much about these special creatures, their care, their benefits to farms, and their contributions to the dinner table. At one time, my herd was over 60 head. There were goats everywhere!
Goats in the field
Goats in the pen
Goats in the barn
Goats on the hay
Goats in the basement
Even in the car
And inside the house!
It hasn't been all cute and fluffy. It's been hard. Bone-chilling cold and puddles-from-my-sopping-clothes-wet hard. I've seen birth and death, sickness and health, profit and loss. And I have loved every moment. Farming may not be in my blood, but it is rooted deeply in my heart. Every goat has had a name, has taught me something about this journey, and has been a blessing in some way. Whether to provide laughter, comfort, meat, or milk, goats have fulfilled my dreams of being a rancher.
It is the most difficult thing I have had to do, to admit to myself that I am physically unable to be a true farmer at this point in my life. I have kicked and screamed and cried. But the reality is, I'm not doing myself any favors by torturing my body and my heart while I'm trying to focus on my health.
Since moving closer to town (but still in the woods), I have been able to cook for myself more often and keep my home more tidy. Sort of. I have been able to ride my horse and a friend's horse. Not often, but more so than I could have done when there were more goats and more farm chores. I've been able to spend time with dear friends who have been there for me through surgery and hospitalization and abandonment and the loss of everything I had worked so hard to attain.
Sophie Mae loves getting more one on one time
The puppies aren't complaining either
So, while I take a break from goat farming, I'm going to use those lessons I have learned from this experience to build a new dream, new goals, and new adventures. Nothing is certain in life except death and taxes. Letting go may be hard, but at least I'm still alive to experience it and make the most of it.
Friday, June 19, 2015
Why Posts About Welfare Offend Me
We see them all the time, memes in our news feed that say "like and share if you agree!" - ones like these:
And I used to share them. I used to judge those who *I* thought should be working. To some degree, I still do, but I am much more aware of it and much more loving toward those who I may have once judged.
I cannot move today. I am sitting in bed typing this, when there are a thousand other things i *want* to be doing, like working, yet, I am physically unable to. I had a really good day Monday, and I cleared around a nice sized house and then 300' of fence line with an 85cc Stihl weedeater. The job should have taken me an hour, maybe 90 minutes. Instead, it took me over 3 hours because I can barely grip the trimmer, my walking pace is that of an 80 year old woman rather than a 30-something, and I had to continually put the equipment down and stretch my back and switch sides to avoid collapsing to the ground. True story, no exaggeration.
So, you may have been one of those people who drove past and almost hit me on the side of the road, cussing me and saying "SEE! She can weed eat, why doesn't she just get a job?!"
Because. I throw up from the anxiety of driving too far a distance to get to a job. Then, I never know when I'm going to produce 12oz of saliva spontaneously in front of a customer, or when my esophagus is going to clamp shut so hard that I cannot swallow or speak. My brain has a difficult time putting words together out loud because of the hostile takeover pain has made in my synapses. Customers constantly question my flaking, itching skin, or they just don't want to touch me or anything I have touched. And because from one day to the next, I never ever know just how much I will be able to push myself, and employers rather like punctuality and reliability.
So, now you know why I am currently unemployed. I used to work. A LOT. I LOVED my job. I LOVED the people. I MISS them terribly. I wasn't rich, but by golly, I could live a nice life and take a lot of things for granted. I did things for fun like camping trips with the girls and horses, went out to local dives to sing karaoke, got tattoos that have very special meanings to me, rescued dozens and dozens of animals, made special trips to town to have lunch with friends at expensive sushi restaurants, and pursued and obtained my dream of owning and running a farm. I had a solid business plan, a great employer, nice vehicles that never broke down, what I believed to be a good relationship with a significant other, loads of friends to hang out with when ever I could find time, and tons of nice stuff... iPhone, Coach purse, expensive boots, whatever I wanted really.
But when you do not "look" sick, and some days are better than others, even those close to you will judge you. This is the point I am trying to make. You cannot judge someone in a checkout line using food stamps simply because they may still have a few nice things, or because they are wearing their pajamas. How do you know that the person standing in front of you cannot wear button up jeans because it will cause them excruciating pain for the rest of the day and tomorrow that will keep them from being able to tend their child? How do you know the nice cell phone they carry wasn't a gift, or purchased used at a lower cost? Or their brand name shoes? What if they had someone in their life who cared enough to give them something nice, since they didn't have anything at all???
You don't know. So please, do not think ill of those who are forced to used the welfare system. Yes, I agree there are some abusers of the system out there, but it is not our call to identify them from the line in Wal-Mart like a criminal line up. The government identifies and prosecutes plenty of abusers each year, and the majority are not the po'folk as you may believe. More often, it is greedy companies who abuse the system by creating fictitious transactions and billing our welfare system. Some examples can be found here.
Love one another. Truly LOVE them. Be patient and kind to others. Kindness is not just on the outside, be kind in your thoughts of one another as well. Do not lie to or cheat them. Do not cast them out of your life simply because you think they have made mistakes or because they cannot afford the luxuries you can. Love them whether they have nothing in the world to offer you. Love others without keeping score of how you feel you have been wronged. I have not yet fully mastered this lesson, but every day I promise you, I try.
And I used to share them. I used to judge those who *I* thought should be working. To some degree, I still do, but I am much more aware of it and much more loving toward those who I may have once judged.
I cannot move today. I am sitting in bed typing this, when there are a thousand other things i *want* to be doing, like working, yet, I am physically unable to. I had a really good day Monday, and I cleared around a nice sized house and then 300' of fence line with an 85cc Stihl weedeater. The job should have taken me an hour, maybe 90 minutes. Instead, it took me over 3 hours because I can barely grip the trimmer, my walking pace is that of an 80 year old woman rather than a 30-something, and I had to continually put the equipment down and stretch my back and switch sides to avoid collapsing to the ground. True story, no exaggeration.
So, you may have been one of those people who drove past and almost hit me on the side of the road, cussing me and saying "SEE! She can weed eat, why doesn't she just get a job?!"
Because. I throw up from the anxiety of driving too far a distance to get to a job. Then, I never know when I'm going to produce 12oz of saliva spontaneously in front of a customer, or when my esophagus is going to clamp shut so hard that I cannot swallow or speak. My brain has a difficult time putting words together out loud because of the hostile takeover pain has made in my synapses. Customers constantly question my flaking, itching skin, or they just don't want to touch me or anything I have touched. And because from one day to the next, I never ever know just how much I will be able to push myself, and employers rather like punctuality and reliability.
So, now you know why I am currently unemployed. I used to work. A LOT. I LOVED my job. I LOVED the people. I MISS them terribly. I wasn't rich, but by golly, I could live a nice life and take a lot of things for granted. I did things for fun like camping trips with the girls and horses, went out to local dives to sing karaoke, got tattoos that have very special meanings to me, rescued dozens and dozens of animals, made special trips to town to have lunch with friends at expensive sushi restaurants, and pursued and obtained my dream of owning and running a farm. I had a solid business plan, a great employer, nice vehicles that never broke down, what I believed to be a good relationship with a significant other, loads of friends to hang out with when ever I could find time, and tons of nice stuff... iPhone, Coach purse, expensive boots, whatever I wanted really.
You don't know. So please, do not think ill of those who are forced to used the welfare system. Yes, I agree there are some abusers of the system out there, but it is not our call to identify them from the line in Wal-Mart like a criminal line up. The government identifies and prosecutes plenty of abusers each year, and the majority are not the po'folk as you may believe. More often, it is greedy companies who abuse the system by creating fictitious transactions and billing our welfare system. Some examples can be found here.
Love one another. Truly LOVE them. Be patient and kind to others. Kindness is not just on the outside, be kind in your thoughts of one another as well. Do not lie to or cheat them. Do not cast them out of your life simply because you think they have made mistakes or because they cannot afford the luxuries you can. Love them whether they have nothing in the world to offer you. Love others without keeping score of how you feel you have been wronged. I have not yet fully mastered this lesson, but every day I promise you, I try.
Psalm 72:3-5King James Version (KJV)
3 The mountains shall bring peace to the people, and the little hills, by righteousness.
4 He shall judge the poor of the people, he shall save the children of the needy, and shall break in pieces the oppressor.
Psalm 82:1-3King James Version (KJV)
82 God standeth in the congregation of the mighty; he judgeth among the gods.
2 How long will ye judge unjustly, and accept the persons of the wicked? Selah.
3 Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy.
Proverbs 31:8-10King James Version (KJV)
8 Open thy mouth for the dumb in the cause of all such as are appointed to destruction.
9 Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy.
Matthew 7:1-3New International Version (NIV)
Judging Others
7 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
Luke 6:36-38New International Version (NIV)
36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
Judging Others
37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
John 7:24New International Version (NIV)
24 Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly.”Romans 2:1-3New International Version (NIV)
God’s Righteous Judgment
2 You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. 2 Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. 3 So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment?
Romans 14:2-3New International Version (NIV)
2 One person’s faith allows them to eat anything, but another, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. 3 The one who eats everything must not treat with contempt the one who does not, and the one who does not eat everything must not judge the one who does, for God has accepted them.
Romans 14:9-11New International Version (NIV)
9 For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living.
10 You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister[a]? Or why do you treat them with contempt? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat. 11 It is written:
“‘As surely as I live,’ says the Lord,
‘every knee will bow before me;
every tongue will acknowledge God.’”[b]
‘every knee will bow before me;
every tongue will acknowledge God.’”[b]
Footnotes:
- Romans 14:10 The Greek word for brother or sister (adelphos) refers here to a believer, whether man or woman, as part of God’s family; also in verses 13, 15 and 21.
- Romans 14:11 Isaiah 45:23
2 Timothy 4:1-3New International Version (NIV)
4 In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I give you this charge:2 Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebukeand encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. 3 For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.
James 2:3-4New International Version (NIV)
3 If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, “Here’s a good seat for you,” but say to the poor man, “You stand there” or “Sit on the floor by my feet,” 4 have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?
James 4:10-12New International Version (NIV)
10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
11 Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister[a] or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it.12 There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?
Thursday, June 11, 2015
The Farm Panther
I have had a love affair with black cats since the year 2000. A young lady walked into the store I was working, with a little black kitten clinging to her chest. My new puppy needed a friend, so I took her in. She played with the puppy, she slept with my infant son, she nestled in my hair. Her time with us was too short, however, as I learned one Halloween night that other people have a problem with black cats.
After the tragic loss of yet another one of my dear black cats, Harold, I was ready to give up. I came back from a trip and my dear friend Mem asked me to take a look at what she had found while I was gone. What I saw that day made me tear up and my heart swell more than I thought possible.This handsome large framed cat was obviously underweight, no caretaker to be found, yet he was so friendly and agreeable to much of what the veterinarian put him through.
He loves to lay atop of the vehicles to sun. I have also spotted him leaping from trees, from heights of at least 10 feet! When he lays on a branch, with his legs hanging down, he brings to mind a big black panther.
After the tragic loss of yet another one of my dear black cats, Harold, I was ready to give up. I came back from a trip and my dear friend Mem asked me to take a look at what she had found while I was gone. What I saw that day made me tear up and my heart swell more than I thought possible.This handsome large framed cat was obviously underweight, no caretaker to be found, yet he was so friendly and agreeable to much of what the veterinarian put him through.
This guy was giving me the saddest, most soulful eyes I had ever seen. I knew he was supposed to come home with me. The day after the above photo was taken, he had a procedure to clean his swollen front paw, was given his shots and neutered, and was put on antibiotics and anti-inflammatory medicine.
He settled in very well, but within 24 hours of in home quarantine to allow him an adjustment period, as well as to heal from fight wounds, he darted out the basement door! I thought he was gone forever and I was ready to swear off black cats forever.
To my surprise and delight, this handsome fella came strutting back in to the yard just before dark, carrying a rat! I made him put down the rat before coming back inside, which did not go over very well. To him, he was thanking me for letting him out of the cage, for giving him attention and freedom to be himself. I finally decided on a name for him - Lafayette, after a character on a popular vampire series.
It came time to move, and Lafayette knew somehow what was going on. There was one point that I placed items in the trunk of my car and left it open. Lafay jumped in and laid on the items, refusing to move unless I physically scooped him up.
I was worried before the move that he would not have an adjustment period indoors, since the home I was to stay in did not allow cats inside. So, I took Lafay to the ranch at a time I knew I would have a few hours to let him explore with me. I let him out of his carrier in one of my goat pastures, and all he did was survey the grounds, then follow me wherever I went.
Lafayette stayed in the tarp barn with the expectant mother goats that winter. He would sit on my shoulders during labor watch, and curl up with the babies while I was not there.
Come spring, he explored much of the 96+ acres, but stuck very close to me whenever I made farm rounds.
He loves to lay atop of the vehicles to sun. I have also spotted him leaping from trees, from heights of at least 10 feet! When he lays on a branch, with his legs hanging down, he brings to mind a big black panther.
Another major life changed forced multiple moves within a year's time. Wherever we went, I knew he would be happy wherever I was. He is always happy to hunt and show me his kills, and he has taken on the job of farm protector. No outside critters are allowed in his personal abode, but he is happy to play with my dogs.
Lafayette has been a wonderful and perfect fit for my little family since the day he arrived. No other cat has captured my heart, brought me more presents (rats, moles, squirrels, chipmunks, snakes, even adult rabbits!), taken on an active role in protecting our territory, or so courageously faced many changes while in my care. This "farm panther," as I affectionately call him, has added much laughter to my life through some very difficult times in the last 2 and a half years. I pray he and I have many many more ahead.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)