Why Posts About Welfare Offend Me

We see them all the time, memes in our news feed that say "like and share if you agree!" - ones like these:



And I used to share them. I used to judge those who *I* thought should be working. To some degree, I still do, but I am much more aware of it and much more loving toward those who I may have once judged.

I cannot move today. I am sitting in bed typing this, when there are a thousand other things i *want* to be doing, like working, yet, I am physically unable to. I had a really good day Monday, and I cleared around a nice sized house and then 300' of fence line with an 85cc Stihl weedeater. The job should have taken me an hour, maybe 90 minutes. Instead, it took me over 3 hours because I can barely grip the trimmer, my walking pace is that of an 80 year old woman rather than a 30-something, and I had to continually put the equipment down and stretch my back and switch sides to avoid collapsing to the ground. True story, no exaggeration.

So, you may have been one of those people who drove past and almost hit me on the side of the road, cussing me and saying "SEE! She can weed eat, why doesn't she just get a job?!"

Because. I throw up from the anxiety of driving too far a distance to get to a job. Then, I never know when I'm going to produce 12oz of saliva spontaneously in front of a customer, or when my esophagus is going to clamp shut so hard that I cannot swallow or speak. My brain has a difficult time putting words together out loud because of the hostile takeover pain has made in my synapses. Customers constantly question my flaking, itching skin, or they just don't want to touch me or anything I have touched. And because from one day to the next, I never ever know just how much I will be able to push myself, and employers rather like punctuality and reliability.

So, now you know why I am currently unemployed. I used to work. A LOT. I LOVED my job. I LOVED the people. I MISS them terribly. I wasn't rich, but by golly, I could live a nice life and take a lot of things for granted. I did things for fun like camping trips with the girls and horses, went out to local dives to sing karaoke, got tattoos that have very special meanings to me, rescued dozens and dozens of animals, made special trips to town to have lunch with friends at expensive sushi restaurants, and pursued and obtained my dream of owning and running a farm. I had a solid business plan, a great employer, nice vehicles that never broke down, what I believed to be a good relationship with a significant other, loads of friends to hang out with when ever I could find time, and tons of nice stuff... iPhone, Coach purse, expensive boots, whatever I wanted really.

But when you do not "look" sick, and some days are better than others, even those close to you will judge you. This is the point I am trying to make. You cannot judge someone in a checkout line using food stamps simply because they may still have a few nice things, or because they are wearing their pajamas. How do you know that the person standing in front of you cannot wear button up jeans because it will cause them excruciating pain for the rest of the day and tomorrow that will keep them from being able to tend their child? How do you know the nice cell phone they carry wasn't a gift, or purchased used at a lower cost? Or their brand name shoes? What if they had someone in their life who cared enough to give them something nice, since they didn't have anything at all???

You don't know. So please, do not think ill of those who are forced to used the welfare system. Yes, I agree there are some abusers of the system out there, but it is not our call to identify them from the line in Wal-Mart like a criminal line up. The government identifies and prosecutes plenty of abusers each year, and the majority are not the po'folk as you may believe. More often, it is greedy companies who abuse the system by creating fictitious transactions and billing our welfare system. Some examples can be found here.

Love one another. Truly LOVE them. Be patient and kind to others. Kindness is not just on the outside, be kind in your thoughts of one another as well. Do not lie to or cheat them. Do not cast them out of your life simply because you think they have made mistakes or because they cannot afford the luxuries you can. Love them whether they have nothing in the world to offer you. Love others without keeping score of how you feel you have been wronged. I have not yet fully mastered this lesson, but every day I promise you, I try.

Psalm 72:3-5King James Version (KJV)

3 The mountains shall bring peace to the people, and the little hills, by righteousness.

4 He shall judge the poor of the people, he shall save the children of the needy, and shall break in pieces the oppressor.

Psalm 82:1-3King James Version (KJV)

82 God standeth in the congregation of the mighty; he judgeth among the gods.

2 How long will ye judge unjustly, and accept the persons of the wicked? Selah.

3 Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy.

Proverbs 31:8-10King James Version (KJV)

8 Open thy mouth for the dumb in the cause of all such as are appointed to destruction.

9 Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy.

Matthew 7:1-3New International Version (NIV)

Judging Others

7 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

Luke 6:36-38New International Version (NIV)

36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

Judging Others

37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

John 7:24New International Version (NIV)

24 Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly.”

Romans 2:1-3New International Version (NIV)

God’s Righteous Judgment

2 You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. 2 Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. 3 So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment?

Romans 14:2-3New International Version (NIV)

2 One person’s faith allows them to eat anything, but another, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. 3 The one who eats everything must not treat with contempt the one who does not, and the one who does not eat everything must not judge the one who does, for God has accepted them.

Romans 14:9-11New International Version (NIV)

9 For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living.

10 You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister[a]? Or why do you treat them with contempt? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat. 11 It is written:

“‘As surely as I live,’ says the Lord,
‘every knee will bow before me;
    every tongue will acknowledge God.’”[b]

Footnotes:

1. Romans 14:10 The Greek word for brother or sister (adelphos) refers here to a believer, whether man or woman, as part of God’s family; also in verses 13, 15 and 21.
2. Romans 14:11 Isaiah 45:23

2 Timothy 4:1-3New International Version (NIV)

4 In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I give you this charge:2 Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebukeand encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. 3 For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.

James 2:3-4New International Version (NIV)

3 If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, “Here’s a good seat for you,” but say to the poor man, “You stand there” or “Sit on the floor by my feet,” 4 have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?

James 4:10-12New International Version (NIV)

10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

11 Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister[a] or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it.12 There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?

The Farm Panther

I have had a love affair with black cats since the year 2000. A young lady walked into the store I was working, with a little black kitten clinging to her chest. My new puppy needed a friend, so I took her in. She played with the puppy, she slept with my infant son, she nestled in my hair. Her time with us was too short, however, as I learned one Halloween night that other people have a problem with black cats.

After the tragic loss of yet another one of my dear black cats, Harold, I was ready to give up. I came back from a trip and my dear friend Mem asked me to take a look at what she had found while I was gone. What I saw that day made me tear up and my heart swell more than I thought possible.This handsome large framed cat was obviously underweight, no caretaker to be found, yet he was so friendly and agreeable to much of what the veterinarian put him through.

This guy was giving me the saddest, most soulful eyes I had ever seen. I knew he was supposed to come home with me. The day after the above photo was taken, he had a procedure to clean his swollen front paw, was given his shots and neutered, and was put on antibiotics and anti-inflammatory medicine. 

He settled in very well, but within 24 hours of in home quarantine to allow him an adjustment period, as well as to heal from fight wounds, he darted out the basement door! I thought he was gone forever and I was ready to swear off black cats forever.

To my surprise and delight, this handsome fella came strutting back in to the yard just before dark, carrying a rat! I made him put down the rat before coming back inside, which did not go over very well. To him, he was thanking me for letting him out of the cage, for giving him attention and freedom to be himself. I finally decided on a name for him - Lafayette, after a character on a popular vampire series.

It came time to move, and Lafayette knew somehow what was going on. There was one point that I placed items in the trunk of my car and left it open. Lafay jumped in and laid on the items, refusing to move unless I physically scooped him up. 

I was worried before the move that he would not have an adjustment period indoors, since the home I was to stay in did not allow cats inside. So, I took Lafay to the ranch at a time I knew I would have a few hours to let him explore with me. I let him out of his carrier in one of my goat pastures, and all he did was survey the grounds, then follow me wherever I went.

Lafayette stayed in the tarp barn with the expectant mother goats that winter. He would sit on my shoulders during labor watch, and curl up with the babies while I was not there. 

Come spring, he explored much of the 96+ acres, but stuck very close to me whenever I made farm rounds.

He loves to lay atop of the vehicles to sun. I have also spotted him leaping from trees, from heights of at least 10 feet! When he lays on a branch, with his legs hanging down, he brings to mind a big black panther.

Another major life changed forced multiple moves within a year's time. Wherever we went, I knew he would be happy wherever I was. He is always happy to hunt and show me his kills, and he has taken on the job of farm protector. No outside critters are allowed in his personal abode, but he is happy to play with my dogs. 

Lafayette has been a wonderful and perfect fit for my little family since the day he arrived. No other cat has captured my heart, brought me more presents (rats, moles, squirrels, chipmunks, snakes, even adult rabbits!), taken on an active role in protecting our territory, or so courageously faced many changes while in my care. This "farm panther," as I affectionately call him, has added much laughter to my life through some very difficult times in the last 2 and a half years. I pray he and I have many many more ahead.

River Run

Saturday was supposed to be productive. I managed to get some paperwork completed and get a shower. Then began unpacking my suitcase and tidying the bedroom a bit. Somewhere in the shuffle, I banged my severely bad right knee on something, just above the kneecap. I went on and thought nothing of it. By the time I got most of the room straightened, I could not block out the pain in my knee anymore. I looked down and there was a lump the size of an egg! Not a little store bought egg either, an XXL double yolk farm fresh egg! I had no choice but to elevate and ice it. There went my productivity... so I resigned to finishing a Nora Roberts novel I borrowed from a friend.

It took a while to get to sleep, as the pain in my knee as well as the rest of my body kept me fidgeting to find a comfortable position. Once I finally reached the point that I could fall asleep, I suppose I was a bit more fatigued than I thought from the festivities and travel to my sister's wedding. When some crazy dreams woke me up, it was 3 o'clock in the afternoon! (I normally cannot sleep past 8am, and that is sleeping in for me) The pain and swelling in my knee was tolerable, and my other normally screaming joints were only a dull murmur. Up and at 'em!

I headed over to the farm house my best bud/boyfriend are trying to remodel, did a little tidying, found a bathing suit in storage there, and waited on him to get home from work. He had a little project to get done for his belated Mother's Day gift - replace the flooring in her bathroom - and I helped get him started on that. I went to feed my goats, he was about halfway finished when I returned. Thinking I should take advantage of how well I felt, I enlisted mama's help in setting up a larger run for our dogs, Timmy and Rattler.

Timmy the Tooth, Rat Terrorist

Rattler "Snattle-Rap" the TN Mtn Hybrid

By the time I was through, I probably should have gone in and rested a little while, but I was still feeling pretty good. So, JT decided we should take his other baby, Brantley, to the river.

Brantley the Alaskan Husky

It was dark by the time we got to Lower Paint Creek, but still a beautiful drive through the Cherokee National Forest. We stopped and let Brantley wade, after carefully checking the stone stairway to the swimming hole for snakes. Our fun excursion was cut too short though, due to a change in barometric pressure from a weather front moving in. Why would the pressure drop cut us short? Every time it does, a piercing pain starts behind one or both of my eyes. If left untreated for more than an hour or two, it becomes what my doctor describes as cluster ocular migraines (see also ocular migraines). Once home, I got my medication on board, but it is still trying to break through, which is preventing much needed sleep. 

I don't tell you these things to invoke pity, I just know there are others out there who fight similar daily battles. For those of you in this war, I have some advice - take one day at a time, one hour even, and learn where you can push through without overexerting. There are going to be times that you overdo it, and you may need more rest than you previously would have needed, or more than other people need. This is ok! When you are dealing with chronic illness that attacks your own body, it is so important to try to prevent further damage for as long as you can, while still having some quality of life. 

In my case, things I need to try to prevent down the road are ankylosing spondylitis, uveitis, and dysautonomia... as well as others. Since I have not been to see any of my doctors recently, it is possible I may already have one or more secondary conditions undiagnosed. I just try to take my own advice, and do something that I enjoy and that gives me relaxation each day. If those are the only things I can accomplish, then sobeit. I hope this can help allay some of the guilt associated with the changes that chronic illness can impose upon us "spoonies."

Llamas and Goats and Puppies, Oh My!

This morning has been a good morning. I woke up feeling rested, and not so achy and stiff. My fingers and hands weren't too swollen either! Six thirty and the birds were singing, the sun was climbing, and I woke up with a smile.

I went to feed a client's llamas, a job which normally takes me two plus hours by myself. Today, it only took 45 minutes! I did get in the way of a spitting llama, which I laughed heartily at. She sprayed the back of my neck and head with chunks of sweet feed because her arch enemy was standing too near her feed bucket, and I just happened to be in between the two.

Then off to feed my precious goats. Tia the Pia is my miniature LaMancha, which is an American breed of dairy goat. She kidded a very nice meat goat back in March, and after weaning him a little early due to his high growth rate and premature reproductive drive, I have been milking her. It really has helped to regain some of the hand strength that I have lost due to the arthritis. I've made yogurt with her milk, but it isn't really my favorite until I can tweak the recipe and get the flavor just right. My favorite to make so far is ice cream. Plain vanilla ice cream, with only four ingredients, no preservatives, using farm fresh egg yolks and natural vanilla. Yes, there is some sugar added, but not much since goat's milk is slightly sweeter than cow's.

This is Tia as a baby

Tia now... you might be able to see why her nickname is Pia

So, I got all eleven goats fed and one milked. Now I'm taking a short break to rest my feet before I carry on the rest of my day. My plan is to take advantage of a somewhat lower pain day and get some laundry done, unpack my suitcase from a recent trip to see family, and clean out my car. Just these simple tasks may cause severe pain in most of my joints, so I have to take it slow and concentrate on one thing at a time. If I get it all done, that's awesome! If not, it can wait until tomorrow. No pressure, no guilt.

I'll introduce the puppies in my life later, maybe tomorrow. They keep me laughing with their antics and help me to stay calm when I am feeling stressed.

Intro to Life

You may think you know me, you may not. So, I will introduce myself.

I'm Gracie. There is not another on this earth that is like me. I love the Lord, I am quirky, I am fun loving, I am constantly seeking the truth. I am a hick - I code switch (see appalachian code switching), I raise meat goats, I take my dog just about everywhere I go in my pick up truck, I have no use for cities and bright lights, I love the peace and tranquility of the farm and the mountains, I love catching and hunting and raising my own food, and I am happy with my "hick" self. I have a son from a previous marriage who stays with his father at this point. I love animals, dogs especially. I love to help others when I am able.

Yes, I can speak and read and write and spell and I clean up purdy durn well. But it is quite uncomfortable for me to do a lot of things I used to. In addition to those things I just mentioned, I have severe psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis. These are autoimmune diseases for which there is no cure. I used to be able to take medications that messed up my immune system in order to live what others consider to be a "normal" life. I can no longer take them due to medical reasons to keep me in remission or slow the progression. The only things I can do now to soothe my skin and joints is to put my mind at ease with little stress, and focus on taking the best care of my body as I can.

Every day, I battle constant itchiness and burning that I liken to poison ivy. It is everywhere, no joke, every. Where. Except, unlike poison ivy that you can take steroids for and that clears up and goes away after a week or two, this has no cure, it just stays, and I am medically unable to take steroids. Not only does it stay, but it does what is called "flare" when I stress myself too much, or let outside influences attack my stress levels. Same goes for my joints. At my current age of 33, I have been battling the slow progression of this arthritis for 10 years. I had no idea when this started that I would be where I am today.

Today, I am unable physically to do a lot of things I love to do. I love horseback riding, and still have my wonderful quarter horse mare for the really really good days that I might still be able to ride. I love running, but a half mile walk puts me in such pain these days that I am dizzy and nauseous. I love writing, but just typing this blog makes my fingers swell and my wrists to feel as though there are knives in them. I love educating folks on things I have experience or training in, but due to the constant unending pain signals being sent to my brain, I have difficulty formulating a sentence out loud.

I also suffer from severe anxiety. I get panic attacks when confronted with certain stress triggers. These include, but are not limited to, prolonged travel, traffic, large crowds, and highly emotional situations like guilt and grief. These panic attacks have manifested in not only prolonged periods of chest pain and heart palpitations, but also in something called esophageal spasm. The pain from this can awaken me from a dead sleep, or cause me spontaneous vomiting, or prolonged vomiting, to the point where I cannot eat or drink for days at a time. It also causes grotesque and copious amounts of salivation.

So, when I come in to contact with something that stresses me to the point of a tightening in my throat, I eliminate it. There is no sense in attempting to deal with any situation that will cause me to lose precious sleep, hydration, or proper nutrition.

I have seen many quotes and heard many words uttered in my direction - suck it up, don't let it control you... I am sucking it up and have been for years. That is the exact reason why my body is attacking itself, because I've sucked it up for too long. I'm not letting it control me, I am deciding to control it by making necessary changes, but there are days I can do everything right and still not be able to lift my arms to wash my own hair. So, you can see where I think those types of comments are not constructive, even if they are meant lovingly.

I have started this blog to keep family and friends closer in my daily life, and maybe to help others understand this disease, prepare those who have been newly diagnosed, and attempt to dispel some assumptions about how life could or should be better for me. I am content and happy to be where I feel I am supposed to be, here, in the mountains of Tennessee.