The horses were super happy I showed up, and so was I! The sun was shining through clear skies just a few miles from home! Check the water trough, give a handful of grain with some locally mixed mineral supplement (if you're in NE TN, contact Kindred Spirit Whole Horse Care for more info on this GREAT product), and check fence line for any downed wire."
That was the other day. It was a good day, an above average day for me. Today is my regular type day... I have gotten plenty of rest. I have hydrated regularly, above average. I have eaten three square meals. I have stretched to the best of my limited range of motion capabilities. I have attempted to take the dogs on a brisk walk. This activity, which can either invigorate me or cause debilitating pain, has today brought on uncontrollable shaking in my legs, arms, and hands.
As I force myself to type this, my usual 70 wpm is reduced almost to hunt and peck. I look like a Parkinson's patient, an 80 year old lady trying to write out a check in squiggly cursive.
I have taken my daily medications. I have taken my regular vitamins and supplements. I have managed to keep an esophageal spasm attack at bay. Despite an oncoming anxiety attack two nights ago, I was able to get my mind off of upcoming stress with the assistance of one hugely supportive and loving partner.
So, why the shaking? Why the inability to overcome it? If you think I haven't tried hard enough, or that I just don't have the mental strength to put mind over matter, or that I'm imagining things... I am here to tell you - YOU ARE WRONG. If you think it might be time for me to give up and just live in a chair - you're wrong too.
I AM strong. I am strong enough to wake up each day with optimism and a plan. I am strong enough to know my limits, although they may be different every day. I am strong enough to say I do not need that kind of negativity in my life. I am strong enough to keep dreaming despite an unmanaged and incurable autoimmune disease that does not "just" affect my skin or joints. I am strong enough to fight my body when it decides to attack itself, or give in and rest when I know I should. I am strong enough to keep trying to at least do what I love, since most days I am unable to keep up with most of other's opinions of life's necessities. I am strong enough to love others in spite of a complete lack of understanding in how I can be "reduced" to the person I have become.
I think that this entire experience has made me a better person. It has given me insight to a whole host of previously close-minded thoughts. It has shaken me to my core and brought my strengths and weaknesses exploding to the surface of my reality. It has given me confidence to bare my skin, and my soul, to others. It has made me ever so grateful for all the riches of life I have. It has opened my eyes to the meaning of unconditional love.
As I look back on my life, I can say I have done great things. I have traveled down miles of trails on horseback while enjoying the beauty in this world and laughing with amazing friends and family. I have rescued countless animals. I have raised a wonderful son. I have been successful in all that I have done. And no, I do not measure success in bank accounts or extravagant homes or brand new cars or land holdings. I measure it in love, in joyful memories, in honesty and humility. What others may call a failure in my life, I call a lesson.
If I have learned anything from these so-called failures, it has been a success. And if you scoff and think to yourself, ha, what a crock - I urge you to re-examine your own life and what you hold important. Any day, you could be told that you will never heal, and life as you know it could be gone, forever, not temporarily on hold, but FOR. EVER.
I hope and pray that day never comes, but if it does or if it already has, my wish is that you draw strength from knowing you are not alone. You are still valuable as a human. You are still worthy of love. You can still move mountains. You are strong, to face every unknown day, hour, minute with courage and faith that others may never know. It doesn't matter what the rest of the world tells you. You only have one life, live it, love it, make the best of your inabilities, disabilities, and capabilities. Your joy does matter, it matters to you, and you are important. You never know whose life you will touch by being strong enough to say - I AM strong, I AM doing my best, and I AM successful on my OWN terms.
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